johnjoliver posterous

15 Nov 2011

November 15th, 4:32am 0 comments

See What We All Look Forward To!!! The fun of growing old

Best I´ve seen for a long time

John

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

.

31 Oct 2011

October 31st, 11:22am 0 comments

SO WHAT IS YOUR AGE? DON´T ANSWER THAT AS IT DOES NOT MATTER - JUST READ THE BLOG

This is wonderful…and the thought at the end is so true!

Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up.
Please read the following quietly then send it back on its journey
To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to a premature baby..
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE .
The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.
Remember....
Hold on tight to the ones you love!
.
Share with friends & family to whom you wish A good, long, happy, life

(download)

28 Oct 2011

October 28th, 10:49am 0 comments

The original computer #Funny

The Original Computer!!!!

This made me laugh out loud...
(try explaining this to your grand-kids!)

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!

29 Sep 2011

September 29th, 4:01pm 0 comments

Learn how to park the car - They have to be women drivers to park so perfectly

They have to be women drivers to park so perfectly

(download)

29 Sep 2011

September 29th, 11:18am 0 comments

Garage Owner #Funny

This is the true story of a garage owner in Northampton who gave his dog a haircut.

He was sick and tired of thieves breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc.

So he came up with this idea to give his dog a haircut.
He put the word out that he had a new Mexican Lion that would attack anyone that tried to break in or climb his fence.

Would-be thieves saw the "Lion" from a distance and fled the scene.

The dog's probably trying to figure out why his head's so hot and his arse is so cold.

(download)

29 Sep 2011

September 29th, 11:12am 0 comments

Our Father Priceless #joke

PRICELESS!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father !

The little boy replied, 'My Dad dy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

24 Sep 2011

September 24th, 9:37pm 0 comments

Beautiful Naked Birds

Definitivamente, Dios es un Artista

There is not a better artist than God

Himalayan Monal

2. Formosan Magpie

3. Flamecrest

4. Golden Pheasant

5. Green Jay

6. Kingfisher

7. Lady Amherst's Pheasant

8. Bleeding Heart Pigeons

9. Nicobar Pigeon

10. Quetzal

11. Winson's Bird Of Paradise

12. No Idea What Bird This Is, But It's Totally Awesome

13. Peacock

14. Sup, Polish Chicken

18 Sep 2011

September 18th, 1:52pm 0 comments

AN IRISH JOKE - NAUGHTY DIRTY AND FUNNY #Joke

Irish humour at its best - love this!!

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said,would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the

young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting

climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a

fukkin' towel!'

11 Sep 2011

September 11th, 2:49pm 0 comments

Magic Moments #Joke naughty but

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

9 Sep 2011

September 9th, 12:42pm 1 comment

Where do Red Headed Babies come From??? #funny #joke

I had always wondered about dem darned redheaded babies..........

JUST WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said... 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on bothsides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....